Head Case

There are two rather unpleasant things I have discovered about myself since I’ve been here: 1) I am a total stalker. I know this not because I quite literally email several people I don’t know every single day and essentially beg them to be my friends (which I do), but because I feel no shame in doing it. It’s like I think it’s NORMAL at this point. In fact I think I’ve forgotten how to interact with people like a sane, productive member of society.

Which brings me to 2). I have social anxiety disorder. I’m convinced of this. I have always been kind of shy, especially in big groups of people, but this is getting ridiculous. I feel like I have reverted back to my pre-teen self….like I haven’t had 30 years to accept me as me and all that crap. I actually find myself avoiding times when I actually have to—oh holy hell—speak to people.

Take the first week I was in the office, for example. There was an email regarding a little happy hour on the third floor. After quite literally psyching myself up to walk the 10 steps up to a place where alcohol lives (this really shouldn’t be hard), I finally took the plunge. I got up there only to realize that I really didn’t know anyone, they were all looking at me rather suspiciously and then carrying on their conversations, and somehow I was going to have to attempt to insert myself into the situation...and ehhh…I didn’t waaant to. So I grabbed a beer, made a looooong, slooow, production of opening it….and went back downstairs.

As if this wasn’t bad enough, I was followed. The HR Manager had spotted me in all my freakishness and had sent someone downstairs to retrieve me. Dy. Ing. After sputtering some BS about needing to send out and email, I followed her back up the stairs and made some small talk until I had managed to finish the beer in about four chugs, and got the f*ck out. Tell me that’s not troubling behaviour.

Tonight, there’s a happy hour at a pub, and I’m going to try my darndest to leave some distance between me and raving psycho by not blurting out anything like, “I gotta go,” or worse, “please be my friend” upon being introduced to someone. That is if I go….suddenly I’m feeling very much like I will need to be sending very important emails during that time…..