2008 Gift Guide: The Expat Edition

Every year around Christmas, you search tirelessly for the perfect gift to give to that special Expat in your life. You reject American flag boxer shorts, football paraphernalia, and McDonalds vouchers, determined to find anything—anything!— uniquely American in this age of globalization.

Sound familiar? I thought so. Lucky for you, this year, the OckleShow has compiled a list of perfect presents for those of you Americans struggling with what to buy for the Expat Who Has Everything.

1. Giant bottles of drugs

No matter where your expat is living, it’s likely she/he has a headache. The reason for this twofold: 1) he/she lives somewhere where drug companies don’t peddle meds at every turn and therefore people don’t generally take them unless they have the Plague and 2) even when you do get painkillers, they come in this paltry little boxes of like, 6, which frankly wouldn’t get most Americans through the afternoon.

Do your expat a solid and hook a sister/brother up with one of those cheap-as-dirt super-bottles of Advil/Tylenol that simply don’t exist outside of the good old medicated U.S. of A. Bonus: Here’s your chance to get a glimpse at what it’s like to be an international drug trafficker….without having go through all of the swallowing a balloon unpleasantness.

2. Canned green chillies

Unless your expat is living in, say, Mexico, he/she is probably not getting his/her fix of Mexican food.* Sure, the foreigners try to capture the flavours we Americans so love from our south-of-the-border fare. Sadly, they only really manage to get as close as that crappy American chain with the weak margs and gloopy mole sauce that you only patronize where you’re really desperate. In fairness, a large part of the reason for their failures is likely the dearth of authentic Mexican ingredients abroad.

Here’s where you come in. Canned green chilis, corn tortillas, that great enchilada sauce that comes in a can, black beans, queso, Jose Cuervo Gold—all is fair game for under the expat Christmas tree. Ole!

*This also applies to all Southern food: grits, cornbread mix, etc. I would suggest okra too, but I don’t think you could get it past the Beagle Brigade.

3. Flat sheets

I can’t speak for all countries, but for some reason, Brits generally sleep under a comforter only. Finding a flat sheet to go in between your shivering cold body (because the heat is never warm enough) and the duvet can be like looking for a peanut butter M&M in a sea of Smarties (see next entry).

If you’d like to treat your expat to some good old-fashioned bed-making with a bit of a challenge, snag a flat sheet from your local Bed, Bath and Beyond. If you’re feeling generous, present it with an electric blanket and a UK plug adapter. Voila! Instant warm wishes from the homeland.

4. Anything with peanut butter

Here in the UK, peanut butter is relegated to a single shelf, and there’s usually only one variety—the natural kind. To add insult to injury, the candy shelf is conspicuously absent of peanut butter infused treats as well.

Fortunately, I do love me some natural PB, but every now and then I crave crunchy Jif and Skippy like a crack-addled street urchin. Sometimes, I would actually consider maiming someone for peanut butter M&Ms or Reese’s peanut butter cups. I’m sure your expat feels the same. Don’t be stingy—there will never be any shortage of PB&J in America!

5. Zip-loc bags

Remember when you were a kid (if you’re my age) and they came out with those fancy zip-loc bags that combined blue and yellow to make green? Remember how great that was and how amazed you were that once green, those handy little bags held your leftover chicken noodle soup no matter how much you sloshed it around in your bag?

Most of the world never experienced that phenomenon. Why? Because they don’t have anything by way of food storage that even remotely holds a candle to Zip-loc. Also because they are technically reusable, it truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

6. Crystal Light (or really anything with sugar substitute)

The Brits tend to be purists when it comes to sugar. Something about the fake stuff eating your insides and giving you cancer. All I know is that sometimes, you need some low-calorie, low-sugar treats to make you feel satisfied with less guilt (strictly in terms of saving calories, which, let’s face it, sometimes seems more important than the fact that your intestines are disintegrating).

My personal favourites are Crystal Light lemonade and iced tea and Nutter Butter 100-calorie packs, but really anything marked low-fat, low-sugar, low-calorie is hard to find outside of the States. Go nuts.

7. Whitening strips

We Americans didn’t get those pearly whites by drinking massive amounts of Diet Coke. Stinging gums be damned—we like to bleach our teeth. Other countries? Not so worried about that.

Go ahead: Pick up an extra set of Rembrandts at your local drug store, and give the expat in your life something to smile about.

8. American board games

It’s not like other nations don’t produce board games, but the American citizen living abroad has to be armed with his/her old reliables just in case. Just in case of what you ask? Well, I’m sad to report that our somewhat ethno-centric American education system has generally failed to teach us much by way of global trivia…plus the celebs (my usual strong suit) are different elsewhere.

Therefore, it’s best to distract our foreign counterparts with our own region unspecific favourites like Scattergories, Cranium and Taboo. Help your expats avoid embarrassing situations by sharing the board game wealth.

So there you have it, folks—a complete guide to Christmas shopping for your special expat. I’m sure that he/she would love to receive any mail from home, but the addition of any one of these items will make it even more exciting. That's not a hint at all. Happy shopping!