Sullying the good OckleShow name

When I first began writing this blog, I figured out how to drop this little invisible tracker thing on my page that tells me who visits the site.

Before you get paranoid, fear not: I can’t tell who you are (all I get are ISP addresses…strings of numbers that are meaningless to me) or even really where you are beyond the city/region (it registers not where your computer is but rather, where your internet provider is). I can’t tell where you work or how often you pore over every word I write (ha) or anything like that.

All I really get is a general feel for how people access the information and where, more or less, they are doing it from.

Check me out:

This map represents people who have accessed my site in the past month. Over the life of the blog, I have actually had users from even more far-flung locations of the globe than are represented here.

Impressed? Well, I wish that this map meant that I had a following that spanned four continents (WTF Australia? No love from the home land?) and consisted of loyal pockets of OckleShow fanatics in places like Pakistan, Colombia and Kuwait. I wish I could say that my vast network of friends and friends of friends had somehow resulted in global saturation ranging from Estonian fishing villages to Thai resort towns.

Alas, tis not the case. Instead, I appear so globally popular for a far more sordid reason than my witty banter or literary style.

I am porn.

Don’t believe me? Fortunately, I have evidence in the form of the insightful folks at statcounter.com. Like I said, this handy device tells me how people access my site. Most of you come to it by simply typing in the URL; some of you get to it through my facebook page; some of you link through the blogs of some of my friends who have kindly put links to The OckleShow on their sidebars.

The others, including the people in The Philippines and Dubai and places where I don’t know anyone, come to the OckleShow because a Google search has picked up something from my blog. More often than not, that search is for large mammaries.

You might recall that several months ago, I wrote a post about the ridiculousness that is Big Brother in the UK. I titled it “(Big) Boob Tube.” I wrote another post about how I’d inadvertently been half-naked in public a number of times since I’d arrived in London. Now apparently, because I’ve used words like “nudity” and “boobs,” even in completely unrelated contexts, Google thinks I am peddling porn.

It should come as no surprise that the shocking number of people searching “big boob tube” who visit my site hoping to find…what? I don’t know, a big-breasted woman wearing a tube top?...spend an average of “0 seconds” on my page.

I almost feel bad that I’m such a global disappointment to the throngs of people who come to my site looking for a naked pic of a woman and instead get the opposite: a woman blabbing on and on about nothing.

In fact, I just realized that because I have just written an entire post using the words “boob” and “porn” repeatedly, I’m really just attracting more dirty-pic seekers to my site! It’s like life imitating art imitating…PORN! The more I say it, the more hits I’ll get! PORN BOOBS PORN BOOBS! There will be an www bottleneck as the entire world is siphoned to my blog. The internet will fail! Systems will crash! IT’LL BE GLOBAL ANARCHY! PORN BOOBS PORN BOOBS PORN BOOBS!

And that, ladies and gentlemen, brings us to #7 in the 10-Post Challenge.